Guts are for more than digestion
In my time of working with various populations of people, I have found my most rewarding successes when working with children. Working with children is not synonymous with raising children. As a young mother I'll admit I was swayed by different camps of child rearing and if it seemed logical I went with it. Except sometimes despite my best efforts and armed with the greatest buzzwords like: cry it out, discipline, love and logic, chore charts, choice boards, etc.... it didn't really work.
When my oldest was a toddler I dove into the throws of full time college as a psychology major. You learn about leading theories regarding early childhood and those are still pretty cool to explore from time to time. Some make sense, and some do not. Armed with theories, I was still riding the struggle bus EVERY DAMN DAY. Fast forward to graduate school with more knowledge and another pregnancy I felt like I at least got off the struggle bus for field trips.
I have always wanted to log my insights into parenting the quintessential "what you should know before having children". Now to illustrate.
I am a hiker, and as a hiker I have a responsibility to nature and all science people to stay on the main trail. DON'T CUT the TRAIL someone once yelled at me. These little side trails that people make by veering off the main trail destroy tiny ecosystems of plants and microbiological creatures.
We cut the trail in parenting. We veer off the main trail a lot by going down these little rabbit holes of the "what to expect" and the "argue free parenting". These tools can certainly be informative, they can even help us detect early warning signs. But did you know, you have a built in detector? It's called your gut. Guts are not just for digesting food. They are the biological bells telling you to pay attention, make observations, and ask questions. The greatest tool your child has to communicate is their play, and their behavior. They are complex little creatures who have to literally be taught EVERYTHING. That lovely realization hit me three kids deep. *facepalm* I shudder thinking about all the times I knelt down and uttered "use your words." My kid did not know how. They still don't. I sure do wish I could say I'm rehabilitated from recycling phrases like that of yesteryear, but I'm not.
But, if I may, can I offer you a new parenting buzzword?
Attunement. To attune to your child means to know their temperament. Most of us get clues as children are in infancy. Here's the crazy part, you can't change their temperament. Don't try, and don't think you'll parent away all your worst genetically passed qualities either (or those of their biological parents). Aim to teach them to navigate instead. Their mini me traits will collide with yours sometimes, and you will get insight into raising yourself. But that is not a bad thing. The lesson falling from every branch on the family tree can be caught by your branch. You can teach your children to understand everything about life if you are brave enough to admit you have no clue either. Learn together.
One tried and true thing I learned in school is the triangle. Thoughts-Feelings-Behaviors. We often only see the behaviors because the other two are invisible and teaching a child to recognize the internal processes is very complex. As we age we turn inward, and we are keen of the internal vs. external. Kind of cruel right? Why can't I read my kid's mind?....dangit!!! But that's where your gut comes in, you know that behavior is built on some thought whether it's rational or not. I'll give you an example.
This morning my youngest was crying and whining "I can't do it. I can't do it!" I look over, and its brushing hair time. Last week, this was an independent task. This week, not so much. What changed? A pesky little irrational thought changed everything. The thought was "your hair is tangled and if you brush it you'll rip your hair out. The hair will not grow back. You will be bald. Abort mission. Cue crying and scream that you need help."
The crying wasn't about attention. It wasn't about getting me to do every little thing. It was about fear and wavering confidence. Which I only figured out because I did some novice detective work. The shift in behavior did not make sense to me. I'm still learning how to do all of this stuff. All of the parenting, and I know it will never stop.
Some days being a parent is like conquering a race, climbing to the top of a mountain, or anything other major feat you want to equate it to. Other times its like hiking in wet socks for 10 miles. It's uncomfortable, chaffing, and angry. You will think, why didn't it occur to me to pack in an extra pair of socks? Why wasn't I better prepared? I don't think there is anything out there to prepare you to parent, because the answer is in your gut.
Investigate, Learn, and Teach
When my oldest was a toddler I dove into the throws of full time college as a psychology major. You learn about leading theories regarding early childhood and those are still pretty cool to explore from time to time. Some make sense, and some do not. Armed with theories, I was still riding the struggle bus EVERY DAMN DAY. Fast forward to graduate school with more knowledge and another pregnancy I felt like I at least got off the struggle bus for field trips.
I have always wanted to log my insights into parenting the quintessential "what you should know before having children". Now to illustrate.
I am a hiker, and as a hiker I have a responsibility to nature and all science people to stay on the main trail. DON'T CUT the TRAIL someone once yelled at me. These little side trails that people make by veering off the main trail destroy tiny ecosystems of plants and microbiological creatures.
We cut the trail in parenting. We veer off the main trail a lot by going down these little rabbit holes of the "what to expect" and the "argue free parenting". These tools can certainly be informative, they can even help us detect early warning signs. But did you know, you have a built in detector? It's called your gut. Guts are not just for digesting food. They are the biological bells telling you to pay attention, make observations, and ask questions. The greatest tool your child has to communicate is their play, and their behavior. They are complex little creatures who have to literally be taught EVERYTHING. That lovely realization hit me three kids deep. *facepalm* I shudder thinking about all the times I knelt down and uttered "use your words." My kid did not know how. They still don't. I sure do wish I could say I'm rehabilitated from recycling phrases like that of yesteryear, but I'm not.
But, if I may, can I offer you a new parenting buzzword?
Attunement. To attune to your child means to know their temperament. Most of us get clues as children are in infancy. Here's the crazy part, you can't change their temperament. Don't try, and don't think you'll parent away all your worst genetically passed qualities either (or those of their biological parents). Aim to teach them to navigate instead. Their mini me traits will collide with yours sometimes, and you will get insight into raising yourself. But that is not a bad thing. The lesson falling from every branch on the family tree can be caught by your branch. You can teach your children to understand everything about life if you are brave enough to admit you have no clue either. Learn together.
One tried and true thing I learned in school is the triangle. Thoughts-Feelings-Behaviors. We often only see the behaviors because the other two are invisible and teaching a child to recognize the internal processes is very complex. As we age we turn inward, and we are keen of the internal vs. external. Kind of cruel right? Why can't I read my kid's mind?....dangit!!! But that's where your gut comes in, you know that behavior is built on some thought whether it's rational or not. I'll give you an example.
This morning my youngest was crying and whining "I can't do it. I can't do it!" I look over, and its brushing hair time. Last week, this was an independent task. This week, not so much. What changed? A pesky little irrational thought changed everything. The thought was "your hair is tangled and if you brush it you'll rip your hair out. The hair will not grow back. You will be bald. Abort mission. Cue crying and scream that you need help."
The crying wasn't about attention. It wasn't about getting me to do every little thing. It was about fear and wavering confidence. Which I only figured out because I did some novice detective work. The shift in behavior did not make sense to me. I'm still learning how to do all of this stuff. All of the parenting, and I know it will never stop.
Some days being a parent is like conquering a race, climbing to the top of a mountain, or anything other major feat you want to equate it to. Other times its like hiking in wet socks for 10 miles. It's uncomfortable, chaffing, and angry. You will think, why didn't it occur to me to pack in an extra pair of socks? Why wasn't I better prepared? I don't think there is anything out there to prepare you to parent, because the answer is in your gut.
Investigate, Learn, and Teach
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