Commitment Vs. Feelings- but also some education about abuse cycles

I  have committed to many ventures over the years. As I take more trips around the sun I find better balance between feelings and commitments. It took many years to find my threshold for toxicity in environments and relationships. I have been able to focus in even more on patterns of behaviors from others, hence the social scientist slant.  I have found that there are different levels of tired and different levels of safety. You can be emotionally tired and you can be physically tired. Being emotionally tired is unfortunately not cured by a nap in the same sense that physical tiredness is. It's intrusive in a sense. It gets in the way of wanting to meet commitments.  

When I was working in a group setting with children I used to teach about the differences between physical and emotional safety. Many of them had survived abusive situations and were at risk of subsequent abuse. I wanted to help them see the red flags in their future relationships. I thought often, "if I can connect with just one of them...."  I would talk about how you could be physically safe with others and feel that they would never hit you or cause you physical harm. But those same people could be critical of you, put you down, or role model in front of you how poorly they speak of others. The putting of others down is a covert type of safety violation because it leaves the observer thinking they are paranoid when they finally deduce that they are next on the list of disparaging remarks. The put downs can manifest into chronic apologizing to avoid negative remarks and stay in good favor.  

On the flip side is domestic violence. Someone who tells you they care about you and tells you positive affirming things. But then the smallest thing causes them to hit you, push you, or even violate you sexually. It sends confusing messages to you. Then comes more kindness and you think its over. But it becomes a cycle. Or the person withholds affection, becomes cold and aloof until you prove yourself worthy of their attention. (aloof behavior occurs in emotional abuse as well) Again, very very confusing that you would have to work so hard only to be violated all over again. 

If you have loss of safety in both areas, it can really take your brain on a ride. 

So back to commitments and feelings.... If you find yourself in this type of pattern in relationships, this is where feelings MUST override commitments. Your safety on any level will impact any and potentially all of your commitments. It will impact your relationship with yourself. It will impact your ability to see how the situation you are surviving may cost you your life. 

If you are an adult with children in this situation, please understand with all my heart that you need to hear that they don't get a say. They are collateral damage to your commitment to stay in that relationship. They will see things,  it will normalize for them, and it will impact their relationships later. Abuse is inherited based on the normalization of coping around it. Excuses are made, and commitments are kept despite feelings. Feeling that it is wrong, uncomfortable, warranted or accepted. 

I am committed to teaching others, even when its difficult, and even when it takes a very long time. I am committed to coming alongside others. I have seen, read, and counseled my fair share of depression and anxiety that stems from exhaustion and safety issues. Some are so subtle and covert you'd never know. People joke sometimes that they have "mommy issues" or "daddy issues" and that it's practically normal. Except that it is and that's why its so prevalent. 

Recently in social media over the past couple of years there have been advocacy groups trying to educate people on ways to get out of a situation. Ordering a pizza, hugging a stranger, writing a message on a bathroom stall, etc. They will and have worked if the person has enough resiliency left to shift the commitment to their own safety. Abusive relationships are kin to substance abuse in the fact that they are a cycle. They share many of the same attributes. I have included a couple of resources here below. 

Resources:

www.mentalhealth.gov

www.thehotline.org